an ode to tinder nightmares

'Twas the night before weekend 
And all through the house 
Only one girl was sleeping, the one with a spouse 

The other sat up, her face lit by glare 
From her hot little phone, swiping with care. 
Left swipes and right swipes, laughter and dread 
In the hope that she'd find, a guy who gave head 

But alas all she finds, are bad lines and cheese, 
And over-confident men all covered in sleaze. 

"Hey gorgeous, how are you, are you lonely tonight? " 
Not taking the hint, trying with all of his might. 

"I'm 6 foot four, and I've got a big dick 
I promise I'm sweet, I won't make you sick. 
I like fishing and hunting, and going out having fun, 
I'm new to tinder, what are you looking for Hun? " 

With a sigh and a 'fuck!' She unmatches the prick, 
And matches another who seems to be slick. 
He's witty and charming, and his GIF game is strong, 
His love for drake memes can't ever be wrong. 

They talk and they banter, all through the night, 
She begins to like him against all her might. 
Arranging a date, she falls asleep happy, 
dreaming of sex and cuddles and all things that are sappy. 

Come morning she looks, to see if bae has text, 
Wait what, what the FUCK, he's sent me a SEXT? 
Right there, on the screen, In its horrible glory 
Is a full frontal dick pic (which seems overly gory) 

"Hey babe, how about it, do you like what you see?" 

Hold on, wait a minute, I thought you wanted to DATE me?
A dick pic, really, I can see that you're proud, 
But honestly mate, don't you know about the cloud? 

You've sent this in iMessage, what a rookie mistake 
It's now in my group chat, ima laugh till I ache. 
Unsolicited pictures, of the naked degree 
Are never acceptable, and not just to me. 

It's like having a cat, that brings you dead birds 
"I won't ever touch this or acknowledge it with words" 
A woman online, what a risky adventure 
Just tying to find a man, with a love that can quench her. 

Instead all she finds are creepers and bitchin, 
And men who makes jokes about going back to the kitchen. 

With a sigh and a wail, that was the deal breaker. 
"I guess my next step is a giant vibrator".

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