Be chill and don’t be a downer, act like a dude but look like a supermodel.

My whole life, I wanted to be cool. I wanted so badly to be that girl that is just fucking effortless. Her hair is always messy on purpose, she wears very casual clothes that fit perfectly and cost more than you think, she eats whatever she wants and doesn’t gain weight. WHY wasn’t I her?

There’s this famous piece from the novel, Gone Girl by Gillian Anderson - you more than likely will have heard it.

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)”

The reason why this piece of writing completely fucking exploded, is because it is more truthful than most people would care to admit.

I myself have been swayed to try and make myself cooler - for both potential friends, and for a partner. Funnily enough, pretending to like beer for a guy made me actually like beer so I guess that’s a pleasant side effect?

Everyone wants to be cool, that’s why social media is the shark tank that it is. Everything is curated and planned and posted at a specific time to ensure maximum reach and likes because you have to have thousands of followers to be *really* cool.

How many times have you bought an outfit because you know it’s in trend, not because you reeeally liked it?

How many times have you acted nonchalant when someone asked you to do something you hate, or go somewhere you loathe, just to seem easy going?

How many times have you faked an orgasm so your partner wouldn’t be disappointed?

Naughty naughty.

The perception/illusion of the ‘cool woman’ was created by men, for the purpose of making money at the box office. Before ‘she’ came around, women were portrayed as hopeless romantics, wanting to be doting wives, wanting to have children, and often as the nagging harpy that the men dread coming home to - so they went to the bar.

With the arrival of the cool woman, we found she was not waiting at home but waiting at the bar to drink beer and play pool.

The idea was that men wanted a woman who had the personality of a man, with the body of a woman. They wanted to share all their interests with her, yet never be tied to her, she was willing to just ‘chill’.

They played on the idea of cool women vs ‘crazy’ women - you know, the character in movies that waits by the phone, turns up at your door, doesn’t want you to have guy time - like Ginnifer Goodwins character in Hes Just Not That Into You.

When I was a fresh young adult ready to try dating, I tried so hard to be ‘chill’. I was never to text first, or reply too fast, was overly keen to do any activities the guy wanted to do, and tried so hard to control my ‘crazy’ emotions near the men I liked. I was brought up in society to think that being a crazy bitch was the absolute WORST thing I could do. Did I want to end up a spinster, being eaten alive by my own cats? Um NO. So i reigned it in.

You know what?

I was miserable. Being a ‘cool girl’ was draining as fuck and you know why? Because it was 100% a lie. I felt I could never relax, could never stop trying to keep things fun and exciting even at the cost of my own sanity (and wallet - because you must NEVER let men pay for you, you gotta be cool and pay for heaps of shit).
As I moved into my twenties, I realised that being a ‘crazy bitch’ was not me being irrational, it wa me just wanting attention and affection the way I would like to have in a relationship.

The media like to focus on the ‘crazy bitch’ because it sells. Oh my GOD does it sell. Married men in their forties watch films and look at this perception of a woman and commiserate with the on screen husband, because like ‘ being married is so DULL and all my wife does is NAG, I wish i’d married someone more fun/more CHILL'. It’s more fun to watch reality TV and see a drunk hysterical girl screaming at her boyfriend in public, than it is to see a happy couple.

You see it everywhere. 
'Dude she has crazy eyes'
'She's a stage five clinger'

When I was dating, especially on tinder - it was remarkably hard to find men that were interested in anything serious. They all wanted to ‘chill and hang out’ but never ‘date’. They wanted all the perks of a relationship but they didn’t want to actually be tied down. And they expected you to be totally okay with it, because like ‘you’re a cool girl. You aren’t like most women’.

This lovely sentiment of being different to most women, is not a compliment but an insult to an entire gender. It’s not a bad thing to be a woman nor is it a bad thing to know exactly what you want from a relationship and god damn stick to it. Do not pit me against my own gender, do not assume that I want to be different.

The cool girl is a myth.
The crazy bitch is a myth.
Sexism is real, however.

The people who love and respect you for who you are, for the unapologetically real version of yourself, are the people who matter.

I’m actually okay with being a ‘crazy bitch’ because it means that I am emotionally open, I know what I need from a relationship, I know what I like and what I don’t like, and what I know makes me happy. I’m not gonna pretend to like what you like and I will 100% tell you if you are pissing me the fuck off.

If you want to call me crazy for that then I’m alright with it. Enjoy getting lots of heavy breathing phone calls in the middle of the night.

Just kidding.



  1. The more honest you with yourself about what you want and what won't work for you combined with being that person to the love interest in your life is the only way you're going to be happy long term. In many ways my husband is the only person I can be absolutely 100% myself with whenever over whatever and I wouldn't have it any other way. Of course we have minor things that we find annoying about each other as all couples do but if you cannot be you or things are just too hard and you don't get each other it's not right and if it lasts it's not going to be easy. I loved this post Rhiana!

    1. I totally agree! So happy you found someone you can be yourself with. Thanks so much for reading Melissa :)

  2. Amen galfren. I feel like I've dated a few boys now who wanted me to be x y and z and when I wasn't all or any of those things they got sulky or shitty. I like to think I'm in a much healthier place now where I'll be single for a long time because I won't succumb to any stereotype that makes me perform for a man instead of being who I want to be. I never thought I'd be OK not being with someone but I feel better than I've ever felt and I suspect the no-boy factor is a pretty big feature of that. In saying that, I very much admire all my a++ pals who can be themselves with their a++ partners! Secure, self-actualized betches and bros are my faves xoxoxox


    1. You are the best a++++ single person i know! im so happy you are feeling awesome with yourself, and i think times like this are important to have before you get into a relationship anyway. Ya gotta be cool and happy with who you are alone - like RuPaul says 'if ya cant love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?'

      LOVE YOU


  3. This was such a good read!

    "Do not pit me against my own gender." is probably one of my favourite lines out of this piece.

  4. Yes girl! Great post, honest and funny. Happy I found your blog, I've been looking for something more real. X

  5. "The people who love and respect you for who you are, for the unapologetically real version of yourself, are the people who matter"

    THIS I love because THIS is true, I may not be the cool girl or have loads of friends, but at least I know who I am and who loves me for it aka you x


Popular Posts